A letter to God

Letter to God

Sunday, Jan 24, 2016

God. When I pronounce a word that brings you closer to us, people, I have no image before my eyes – it is empty for me. I also don’t feel anything in my heart first, no emotional agitation. Only after some time does a feeling of reluctance, even disgust, come. When someone tells me, “God”, it’s like saying “kjhjhbwkjhbg” first. Or maybe otherwise: I feel nothing painful. The enormous, torn-out emptiness in the skin of the psyche that was left after rejecting the bottomlessly stupid, even toxic image of a grandfather with a beard, who walks on the clouds and looks after a creature – an image that many have been raped from childhood – perhaps for good intentions, which, however, does not contradict it that they were considered a lie to which only the thoughtless succumbed. When I think about “believing in God”, I feel a kind of nausea. It’s kind of artificial to me. I would have to force myself, be someone insincere and hypocritical, to tell people and myself that I believe in the existence of an old man who lives outside the world. “Being exists, nonbeing does not exist” – used to say the philosopher. And he was right: There is only what can be experienced. There is no non-existence. There is nothing outside the world. There is only the world. You’re not there, God. I don’t know if it is a symptom of some mental unbalance that I am writing you a letter. I am writing a letter to no one.

Once someone uses his mind, this supposed gift from you, he will rebel against you – and slowly begin to deny his parents’ naive visions. It is even morally justified, because since you created man with his reason as something limited, it would be a dull sadism on your part to ask us to look for you – it is beyond our possibilities. Let me put it more bluntly: It would be a kind of dull and primitive sadism on your part to have the audacity to demand from your deliberately limited creature to be adored and loved. It is morally justified in your case to only allow people to mock you, despise you, and ultimately dismiss you as absurd, the grotesque image of Stone Age troglodytes. Plus, since you’re hiding, you just aren’t being fair. You are not worthy of interest. You created a sensual man, threw him as material into the material world, you hid yourself and you are playing some kind of little girl – I have no words to express how embarrassed I feel, how disgusted with such tactics. You’re pathetic God.

In an ethical sense: Nothing, no freedom, no plan of yours makes you justified in all the wickedness that you – allegedly omnipotent – have done to man. I don’t believe in your love and I don’t trust you. What you blamed on Satan is, in fact, your fault. After all, Satan is your creation. Could he be as almighty as you, if you consent to him sharing in the ordering of the world? Where are the results of the life of your Jesus, the symptom of some pathological love of yours, where the fruit of the life of your son, whom you let yourself be sadistically slaughtered on the cross, trying to convince the naive that he has saved the world? Just look around: death, war, hunger, poverty. By what right do your followers brazenly try to lie to other people in the face that there has been any salvation? When a person reads the Holy Scriptures, they encounter barren, empty gibberish. And that’s supposed to be Your Word? Something that sounds like raving while under the influence of alcohol? These empty phrases that do not coincide with life – is this “God’s Word”?

I can’t believe I’m writing to anyone. This is just an experiment because one of your followers tells me that you exist, you love me and that you will give me strength for everything. He says that if I reconcile with you – “I will go like a cutter.” I do not believe in you, and you already have your answer ready – this is a smart move by interested sectarians trying to intimidate non-believers, it is a cunning ploy when you say: “You will not put your God to the test.” And why not? You pretend to play with human pain, your whole human life, by putting it to the test, and you deny the right to a man to try, or do you exist at all? After all, this is vile and vile – there are no words that can define what painful farce you throw your naive, dumb followers into. How can you believe in something so low? I don’t know for what real reason I am bothering with you and why I have been shouting at you for years. Perhaps I am trying to fill an existential gap that has been created in the place of the toxic faith that has been instilled in me since childhood?

I don’t know what I’m doing this for. I think I should accept that you are simply not there because my scream is not producing the slightest result. And since you are not even helping a person who tries to believe in you, since even in such cases prayers are like peas thrown against a wall and you still put yourself above human resources – is it not all the more a farce to ask for you, and even more profoundly: for the very possibility of believing – and not in you, because what would you be – in the sense of faith itself? Actually: What does it mean to believe? People say trust it. How can you trust something that you don’t know what it is?

As of today, that is all that I am able to summon when it comes to words for you, questions, dilemmas. I can’t do more because I don’t even know what I’m doing – and why. I think to myself that I am just trying to somehow sew the tear that arose after trying to impose the lie that you are on me in my childhood. There were attempts to sew something unnatural into my psyche, into my body, to sew something unnatural, an artificial being, a creation that you are, God, only for someone to have power over me. I almost did it, but at some point I realized that the only thing I can assume is that you just don’t exist.

There is no reason for you to exist. Life is nothing wonderful or worthy to be worshiped, even if by some strange coincidence it turns out that the world is not the result of evolution and the loops of space-time that have long ago been calculated by physicists, proving that the idea of ​​a creator is simply redundant, only in fact Your creature. Even if – Man’s life is too sterile, futile, and absurd to force himself to accept that it is a gift. Only some sadist would be capable of giving someone such a fate. Man’s life is a wicked suffering that degrades his dignity, a struggle that is lost in advance. Man will die, he is condemned to death. Life is an exercise in futility. How vile and cynical does it take to be a creature to demand from a creature doomed to this disgusting farce, to consider it a gift?

Monday, 25 Jan 2016

God. It’s early in the morning. I always wake up a little earlier because I hate mornings – waking from an alarm clock is a rape – and it takes two hours to recover. The earth is a void, and human torment is a sterile, crude struggle with the very fact of existence. Every law of nature that people who believe in you so often refer to is in fact a war, a proof against your love. Every creature fights, every molecule trembles in a cold alien universe. The animals bite out of their territories with their fangs, one species will tear the other apart to survive in unfavorable, ultimately deadly conditions. Laws of nature. Only a blind cynic can claim that all this bloody mess is a law of nature from some merciful God.

I only get up to go to work. I do not think favorably of her – I do not think favorably of anything that forces a man, rapes him, forces his organism and thinks in order to finally break into submission to his feudal lord like a peasant serf. Why is it that a person has to work only to live? And where are you to help a man? I think about it every morning. And I feel nauseous at the thought that I will be gone by evening. It just won’t be – someone will rent my body and think only to throw them some grace afterwards. I’ll only get back to myself for too little sleep. I do not think, I try not to think about the fact that there is an abyss of time ahead of me, which is only to sleep too shortly afterwards to go to work again. I don’t have a light, 8-hour shift to piss off. I have a very difficult, responsible job that requires strength and common sense. I like it to a certain extent – otherwise you cannot do similar activities. I just can’t pretend to be positive about the term “work” itself. Work is derogatory. Work is a rape of the feudal system on the weaker. After all, since I was not pushing myself into this valley, no one asked me if I wanted to be born – why is it not that life itself wants him to live, giving me what is due – livelihood – without some struggle for it?

Is a human born to maintain that birth or else they will die? What an absurdity? To fight so as not to die, although in the end we will all die anyway? And those ridiculous words of your son, Jesus, who contradict himself, once saying that whoever does not work should not eat, and then in tender affection rejoicing at the birds of heaven, which we supposedly should imitate, resting and eating the fruit of the tree. Not to mention the fact that every bird, in order to live, must fight a daily battle in a hostile environment, and your son contradicts himself, thus washing the eyes of the reader of the Holy Scriptures – human fate is something pathetic and contemptible, just like this overrated and stupid scriptures. Your Word… Pathetic word…

So I’m doing an experiment today. Don’t think that I believe in its positive results, because you already know that I can’t believe what I consider nonsense. Well, I really want you to exist. I want there to be a Providence that has infinite strength and shares it with the man it loves. It is true that I doubt that you will love me, but forgive me – even if Christians say it is my fault, I will deny it, because if you are hiding and telling yourself to look for yourself, and I do not know where and how, your initiative should be exit towards me in front. I am asking you with all my strength, which I am not able to use fully, because if there is no real point of contact, it cannot be done – please, come into my life. Come and help me. Please, I swear, I cry: God, come out to me, come into my life!

I am not going to die about something that is simply impossible, because it is too much for me. It would be a tragedy and an attempt to strip me of my dignity if you told me, I don’t know, wave your hands to rise into the air and meet you somewhere out of space. In my heart, or as Christians say – my soul – I cannot find you, because as I have already mentioned – in my heart, apart from material blood, I only have this metaphorical feeling of emptiness, which I want to eliminate after trying to force me to believe in this nonsense as a child . So I’m doing an experiment: Please, give me strength, security and inner peace today. Tell me … And now I’m done, because I have to get up, get in the car and drive to work. I’m facing a strenuous day. I’ll be in touch in the evening.

* * * * *

I do speak earlier, however, because I took the opportunity to disappear from my workplace. Honestly, my superiors don’t know I’m home now. They think I’m in the field. I even turned off my phone. It is quite possible that someone will figure out what the consequences will be – but maybe this is the right time to go to a psychiatrist for antidepressants and concentrate because, as you know, I have a pituitary gland disorder and need paroxetine to help me out. the reuptake of serotonin necessary for the proper functioning of the organism took place without disturbances. In addition, it is an opportunity to better organize training plans, outlines and procedures necessary for better functioning in the company.

It is quite possible that it was your doing that you just wanted to relieve me this way and you finally obeyed some of my request – but I find it nonsensical to say that you are listening to me now, since earlier in much worse situations, you completely ignored me. On the other hand, it is not fair to the employer, and it is said that you treat injured people better than psychiatrists with their medications – besides, your follower told me that when I turn to you, your opponent’s activity will be intensified. So I am in a small dilemma as to whether this is a coincidence, your positive interference, thanks to which the doctor will actually be able to help me again, assigning an effective drug as always, or whether it is the opponent’s doing. I would like to emphasize that I take into account every possibility, and additionally, that I believe that it would be absurd to demand from me that I would be able to recognize it. Let’s arrange this: I will entrust this day to you from the very beginning to the very end. I am experimentally surrendering to You today. In the evening I will come back to the letter, now I will just write briefly what I think about the whole situation.

As already mentioned, I don’t think this futile torment is a gift. You demand absurdity from people, accepting empty nonsense. As a gift called life, you give a man a cup of bitterness that will eventually kill him. Are you a psychopath? You are a sadist and there is no way of thinking otherwise. You did an experiment with the creatures you brought to life. You play with them like an irresponsible, affective, spoiled brat, additionally threatening with hell for which you are responsible – because you created Satan. You play games with Adam and Eve, with Abraham and Isaac, with Job, with Noah, you send some plagues – well, just a role model – a vengeful idiot! – and you scare that if someone does not recognize such a monster as God, he will be condemned by him to eternal torment without the possibility of salvation. Just great!

You are additionally playing a guess-guess game, a shit, but it is not an innocent game, but a predetermined defeat of a man who finally dies in suffering. If we summarize all the scriptures in this way, with the Old and New Testaments at the fore – we are dealing with a dirty monster that should cease to be respected in any way. Nevertheless, I admit that I accept the possibility that if you exist and if you give a person the opportunity to believe in yourself by meeting him, then realistically, not metaphorically or through some ordinary faith-self-suggestion and self-reinforcing creation of you through magical faith and some naive wishful thinking you start to change his life, and most of all his thinking, he will start to look at it all in a completely different light. From a human point of view, you are in no way acceptable to you – you are in no way different from what you consider to be your opposite. I do not deny the possibility that you change your thinking, I do not reject the possibility of a radical change of point of view, that it is completely different from what I think. For now, however, I cannot conclude that you are not a flawed invention of the limited and scared sterile absurdity of human life. So far, the experiment continues. If you are – then please – show it to me. Please: Act. The day goes on. Until the evening, then…

* * * * *

Evening has come. The day was light, and yet I am very tired – I don’t know what. This is disturbing to me, because if I feel tired and discouraged for no reason, what will the next days be, according to the plan, very demanding and difficult? But it doesn’t matter. I acknowledge that the experiment has somehow succeeded, though I find it hard not to blame it on the shoulders of chance. Finally, I can convince myself everything, including the fact that the people I meet today are some of your messengers … In fact, the problem of unbelief in you has not disappeared. How do I know it’s not a self-suggestion?

I feel that I have to change tactics because I could repeat these kinds of trials and experiments endlessly and they will not produce any desired result. Besides, by conditioning my faith in you in any way, I will actually create you like a golden calf – that would be a self-suggestion. I care about meeting you in a real and vivid way, and also about really helping me in my life. I don’t know if I’m doing right. There are people who say that they live well without you. That they have no problems. That they don’t have to think about you. That they have come to terms with the lack of “other side” or some “spiritual depth” because they can appreciate ordinary, everyday life. Maybe they are right? Maybe you are an artificial need of weak and distorted people? Maybe you are an illusory existential need of an unhealthy psyche? Maybe paroxetine will make you stop needing me again? The proverb says, “If I fear, go to God.” Are you not, then, an excuse, an excuse, a desire for the weaker and stupid, something actually embarrassing, a proof of a handicap?

I will go to bed earlier today so that I have the strength to wake up tomorrow. I will not avoid work tomorrow – today I was very successful, I even wrote a plan for my further actions for my boss, and by the way I was at the doctor’s. Well – the drug helps me, so I guess it’s natural that I turned to it. If I believed in you, I would thank you for this day. Well thank you – whoever and whatever you are. However, I would like to meet you so that I can find support in you forever and ever. Although I do not know, I hesitate … I still feel something unnatural, even artificial, when I think about the fact that I could believe in some nonsense like bearded Aladdin from behind the seven hills. However, I am moving from negation to conditional, or rather: probabilistic; I no longer intend to condition: “I will believe if …”, but simply assuming that it is possible that your followers are right.

Maybe you really exist? Maybe you really love a man and support him at every step? Perhaps you are not putting obstacles under your feet to force a human being according to some vision of yours, completely inconsistent with his expectations? Or maybe you should be trusted unconditionally, assuming that in general it will be good for a man, although not every aspect of a life that is started in such a way, because you have been subjected to you, must immediately appeal to you? After all, man is, in a way, like unprocessed, raw material. Processing always hurts … And yet the pain is something good, because it is fruitful.

* * * * *

I can’t and can’t promise you anything because I know my limitations, weaknesses and hesitations. I know my volatility, my instability. I can not even promise you that I will not start a futile and futile fight with you again. If all my blasphemies against you, if my rejection of you has become a real obstacle between us, then help me apologize to myself. I don’t really know what to apologize to you for because I didn’t really believe that I was actually cursing you. Rather, it was done by cursing stupid in my opinion the images of people I also found stupid. If I offended you in this way, please forgive me because I didn’t know I was doing something wrong. After some time I lost my mind myself, I fell.

I used to be convinced of my uniqueness, wisdom and intelligence. It just so happened that for a few or a dozen years I started to fall, lose my intellectual abilities, in other words – to go stupid. The phrase that “the first will be the last” has proven true here. So today I am a stupid, fallen man with thoughts of suicide. I vegetate as an individual discouraged from life and towards people, work hatred, scared, weakened and confused. I am not able to comprehend what is happening in my life at the moment. I am mentally exhausted, I do not have the slightest joy in life or motivation to act. I do not know who to turn to for help, because although fortunately the psychiatrist always helped me, and the drugs at least somehow blocked the suicidal motives – because suicidal thoughts are a symptom of disorders and can be treated – these treatments are not enough to live – want to live and act. Yes, they help, but I need the best in a non-psychiatric sense, because the brain is an organ that can be tuned, only in a really existential sense. I need a lot of power. I need something of the best, highest, deepest, most powerful and highest quality to live.

Perhaps my needs are excessive and therefore imaginary? Maybe I am a wicked pride who cannot come to terms with normal life, who simply cannot live? Or maybe your followers are right – that without you it is impossible to live fully, and if someone is created to the full, he or she simply suffocates and dies without it? Do unbelieving people who lack nothing live fully or are they just pretending to do so? Or maybe they are just normal and do not need any fullness, but … just live? Why can’t I live like normal people who don’t believe in you?

Why can’t I be like a calm, stoic unbeliever – good, calm, reconciled with fate, enjoying small things, the mere naked fact of existence? How am I supposed to live? Can I not live happily without you, but without struggling with believers with You and with thoughts of You or with You, but without struggling with You? I am fed up with living in this exhausting trap between not being able to get the thought of you out of my head and not being able to meet you in real life. I am so tired of this fight with you, this fight for you.

I’m fed up! Enough, you hear ?! I’m sick of you! I’m sick of missing you! I have enough thoughts of your existence and your non-existence! I’m wasting my life because of you! How am I going to find out how to live ?! How to meet you ?! How can I not claim that at this point I am not bending reality to my naive wishful thinking ?! Well, today I’ll only apologize to you … I can’t do anything else. Yes: I’m sorry to you. I know these are small words and weak but sincere. I cannot afford anything else and I will not repeat myself, let these words reach you once and for all: I am sorry God and I sincerely ask for forgiveness … I am going to sleep … I am tired …

Wednesday 27 Jan 2016

Yesterday was not easy and today I felt tired – yesterday there was no time for fatigue, because immediately after work I went to sleep, to go back to work the next day – there was no time for pity. I will not construct any theoretical thoughts under the influence of fatigue – I will just be honest. A person is not very truthful in the state of sluggish, indifferent neutrality of the day, when he did not have to resist reality, and even more so when he had a good, pleasant and kind morning – then, under the influence of joy, he creates negative visions, positively or from the feeling of emptiness. .

I can’t tell what comes from some of my prayers and pleas for help and what comes from the normal aftermath of life. I don’t know when you help me and when I tell myself that you help me. I don’t know which negative events are caused by chance, and which ones are due to your opponent’s absence or interference. I do not trust neophytes who, with such ecstasy, do not see the world apart from you – it is disgusting to me, because this kind of affective jerks provoke self-suggestions, creating images in line with wishful thinking – most often it is not discovering you, the Living God, but wearing your symbol magical thinking. I also do not trust the tradition of “keeping in remembrance”, because it is an ineffective anachronism, a scholastic abstraction under which the tribunal can subscribe everything by explaining the world through providence or the lack of it. So I don’t believe in “living God” neophytes, nor do I believe in any religion. I can’t explain it to myself in any way. I can’t feel. And here it is.

I decide not to drag this letter to you forever. However, I feel that I should be with you, or – if you do not exist – at least with my thoughts on you. If you exist, you will hold me accountable on the day of the Final Judgment. If you don’t exist – at least I will have a good conscience. I want to close the case, so as not to endlessly struggle between the decision to accept faith in you and some kind of hurting myself by rejecting Holiness, which – who knows? – maybe there is … I can’t say with enthusiasm: “Abba the Father”, “The Lord is my shepherd”, “Jesus is my Lord”, “I believe in God the Almighty Father” – then I feel unnatural, as if I am applying some artificial substance to myself. I would be just a lie then.

But I’m not going to close the road to you, because who knows – maybe I’m on it? I do not close my heart to you – on the contrary, it is open. If you want – reveal yourself to me, show that you exist. If you want, God – change me and my life, because if you are something or someone good – it will do me good. If you want – help me in my life and in everything I do, please help me every day, and if there is Satan and if you are his opposite – then I am asking you to protect me from him at every step. Perhaps this is the last letter to you – I can’t predict it.

Amen

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