Hand in hand

The women are there and they are gone, you have money or you don’t have, friends are forever, so never, ever refuse a mate to go out for a beer!

This saying during my studies was what amen is in the prayer. It cut short every friend’s conversation when my interlocutor had doubts about whether he should have a beer with me today. Choose! Friendship or something! The question is, is this really what male friendship is all about? Today the man has a lot of friends, that’s for sure, but are there any friends? Although he calls them friends, are they really? This is an issue to consider. I would like to devote this post to this – male friendship.

Honestly, like a guy to a guy

As I mentioned, we have a lot of buddies. There are buddies from the yard, apartment block, school, university and church. We have a team to play football. Beer and vodka crew. The most trusted ones usually belong to the latter. The question is, does this make them / us friends? Today, the different “wise men” as I call them tell us that friendship between men is when one confides in one another. There is a grain of truth in this. However, only a grain – although more than a grain anyway. Sure, I can open up to a friend and he will listen to me. I can shed tears for him and he won’t laugh at me. I can entrust him with my secrets and he will keep them. He can also learn about the dark sides of me, and I know that he will not use it against me. Yes, it is extremely difficult, because today the world requires us guys to compete with each other (and not only, but let’s focus on guys). Competition for everything, for being a better athlete, student (although less), for a better job, social position, and finally for women. However, there are “buts”. First, competition, if it’s healthy, is needed by all of us. After all, without competition, there is no development, and the Lord has called us to develop. Secondly, it is enough to be a well-mannered and well-mannered person to listen to everyone who comes to us with a problem, bind his wounds, keep secrets, not laugh and cheer him up. If we are Christians, it is our duty. In addition, there are even professions that tell you to behave this way. Namely doctors, psychologists, lawyers, priests and pastors. Psychologists, priests and pastors often get to know our dark sides and are obliged to keep professional secrecy. They are certainly good people who want our good, but are they friends?

A big plus is if a man has the courage to open up to another person at all, even if it is only a priest or a psychologist. The problem arises when a man opens up to a woman. And of course I’m not saying it’s wrong right away. Not bad, but it’s dangerous. And of course, male-female friendship is real and necessary. First of all, this is where the so-called friendzony. Friendzona for the uninitiated is a situation in a male-female relationship, when one side (usually him) feels the other side (usually her) but they simply don’t want it! Why doesn’t he want to? Because why her guest who bothers with his inexhaustibility, and besides, there is no friend (male) to talk to. In short, this is not what this text is about. Second, how can a woman feel safe with a guy who goes to her for support? To the theoretically – sometimes very theoretically – the weaker sex. No matter how strong a woman would be, she still needs someone who will ensure her safety. And it is mainly about spiritual and mental security. This is what every normal woman thinks – and that’s what I’m talking about here. Gentlemen, they really exist! Of course, this does not mean that a man should never, ever open up to a woman. Of course not, sometimes it is even necessary, e.g.. in a relationship, marriage, etc. However, if this is not your woman, or your mother, sister or cousin, then don’t do it! Let’s not exaggerate, if you’ve or happen to spill out in front of your mate from the year, because you’re just sitting together at lunch in a student bar, it’s okay. This is normal! The problem is when you go to her every time you feel sad or angry! Hope you get what I mean. Male-female friendship is possible, even necessary, I myself have women in my life who I call friends and they really are. Mom and one of the cousins. I also have a few trusted buddies that I spill out of from time to time. They’re just buddies, but always a different view. Sometimes – like everyone – I need this female point of view on various issues. Otherwise, I would be crazy, especially since I’m single. However, in order to start a friendship with a woman, you must first build a friendship with another man! How to do it? Who is this? – he asks this question again.

Men’s friendship, how is it done?

A friend can of course be a guy from the yard, block, school, university or church. We can play football with him, have a beer, or have a beer from time to time. It’s not that bad! The only question is what do we have in common?

“ From this moment until the end of the world,
we will live in human memory:
we, a handful, a company of brothers.
Who Today he will shed blood with me, and this one is my brother. ”

This is an excerpt from a speech by King Henry V of England made before the battle with the enemy. It comes from William Shakespeare’s drama “King Henry V”. Without beating, I must admit that I associate these words more with the series “Band of Brothers”, which tells the story of American soldiers fighting in Europe during World War II. The series grabs the hearts. It shows the war life of the legendary Kompania E. It shows a community of people who have a common goal and a companion on the right and left. And they know that if something happens to one of them, the other will come to his aid.

The series is my friendship guide, and the heroes of the saga fascinate me enormously. Both the author of the book, Stephen Ambrose, on which the series is based (the same title), as well as the screenwriters, managed to perfectly convey what the male friendship is based on. Based on the series, I distinguished several criteria for male friendship:

1. Community. Common space of functioning – friendship does not come out of thin air! You have to be with yourself, get to know each other and put up with each other. To experience successes and failures together. Together you experience hardship, pain and suffering. Together you rejoice and cry. Sometimes you end up in a group or someone by total accident. It can be a backyard, a block of flats, a school, a university, a church, a playground or even a pub. Look for such places! Go out to people, because you will not find a friend on Facebook! However, I assume that you do something in your life, study or work, you belong to a community. I have advice, just open your eyes and look around. A friend may be closer than you think! After some time, you have a choice: either you go on or stay. What determines why you stay?

2. Common goal – common goal, not common enemy! Taking out the case of war, but we deal with standard situations. After some time of intercourse with each other, you begin to set a goal for yourself. Or otherwise, you just notice why you are here. You want to finish school or college. You work in one company, work for evangelization, or play in one football team with which you are to win the B-class championship. Or you just live for some passion. It must be a passion! Maybe, so first see if you have any values, ideas and passion in your life. If there is no passion, there is no friendship! It is your passion that has led you to some place and it is this passion that attracts other people to you!

3. Be faithful to this goal. If you want a friend and to keep it with you, you have to be faithful to this goal no matter what! Nobody wants to hang out with those who leave their passion under any pretext. Nobody will stay with someone who forgives himself because he does not want to or because he is bored. If you have a passion and someone who shares it with you, no matter how dumbest, stick with it! Even if it does not bear any great fruit! Don’t worry, it is important that there is someone who has decided to share it with you and go in the same direction as you!

4. Reaching for this goal, working on it. As I wrote above, it does not have to be murderous work to reach for some honors and benefits. Certain passions or goals cannot be measured. Achieving a goal or developing passion is not always visible to the naked eye. After all, we must make every effort to achieve the goal. If your companion sees that you are letting go of yourself, that you venture not so much from him (the goal) as to achieve what you set for yourself, he will go away. Take, for example, military clashes. Would you like to fight, let alone be friends with a man who simply gave up studying enemy tactics because field cinema turned out to be more interesting? And your life depends on it! Are you staying with someone like that?

5. Fidelity and loyalty to each other. Trust each other boundlessly. Faithfulness works by trial. When difficulties arise. Value works on fire. Contrary to the opinion of some people, you don’t have to see each other in friendship every day, you don’t have to talk to each other every day. You don’t have to do everything together. I don’t have to walk step by step with my friend. After all, we also have other interests, one prefers theater, the other cinema, and the third one – matches. Doing everything together is more of an unhealthy relationship, more deviance than friendship. In friendship as in love, there must be room for freedom! The friendship and its strength is evidenced by something else. There will be people for whom your friendship and what you do will clearly not suit you. They will want to destroy your relationship. There will also be difficult moments of failure or even defeat that will shake you, your companion and your goal, passion. As time goes on, you will see more and more weaknesses and weaknesses of your companion. You will slowly get fed up with it, it will become heavier and heavier. You will also see that you do not necessarily have the same understanding of your purpose. You will argue, misunderstandings will come, and harsh words will be uttered. But if you really love what you are doing, if you really love your friend, you will stay! Otherwise you weren’t his friend! If you told anyone or anyone who called you a friend you heard the words: I got to know you better and I don’t want to know you anymore, there was never any friendship between you. Don’t pretend, erase his phone number!

6. Mutual concern. You don’t have to do everything together, you don’t have to see or contact each other every day. You can stick to the goal, you can achieve it, you can put up with each other. You can argue and blaspheme, but if you are not interested in the fate of your companion, then you are his friend, not a friend! If your companion does not give a sign of life, is uncomfortable, then you have a pesky duty to check if he is okay. If it isn’t, then you do your best to get the visitor upright! If they beat him, offend him, hurt him in any way, or if someone takes advantage of him, you stand up for him no matter what the cost! And there is no excuse if you let him down because you chickened out, or because it just didn’t pay off! You are then an ordinary Facebook friend, not his friend!

7. Least but no least. Celebrate together! I mentioned this a bit in the first point. Anyway, as you noticed, the other six points flow from the first one. Friendship is not only the trouble of putting up with each other and working towards a goal. It may be the basis of friendship, but it is one end of the stick. And the stick has two. There are plenty of opportunities in friendship to celebrate successes and happy moments in life. Both in yours and in a friend! Getting married, defending a master’s degree, getting a job, promotion, etc. All this is an opportunity to just stay with each other and rejoice together! Maybe even – within reason – to drink something!

Friendship and Jesus

In looking at Jesus’ journey through the Earth and his relationship with the Apostles, we can also see the above-mentioned criteria for friendship. They were a community, they had a common goal – another thing was that not everyone understood it well. Basically, they were faithful to this goal – they had many opportunities to go, they did everything they could to bring about the Kingdom of God, of course in their own way. They worked at this goal by listening to and following Jesus – even if they weren’t quite right. They were faithful and loyal to each other despite many quarrels and misunderstandings. Peter heard that he was Satan and was about to leave Jesus’ sight, and yet he stayed. They also had to endure their presence, their flaws, their weaknesses, and nevertheless they persevered! They basically cared for each other. For example, one of the last scenes of the Gospel when Peter asks Jesus what will happen to John. Of course, they did not avoid total failure when they did not notice what was happening to Judah Iscariot. They also celebrated together, for example, take the Passover, or the last supper. Of course, the Apostles failed, and Jesus and one another were only human. It is so with us, and we often fail. Jesus, however, forgave them for every mistake and continued to desire a warm relationship with each of them. As we know from the rest of the Bible, there was also reconciliation among the disciples. We, too, should forgive and remain with our friend as we can. You don’t have to be the perfect friend. Also, you shouldn’t look for ideality in another person. Also, do not expect a perfect friendship. The ideal belongs only to God, and let people be people. It is also a great step in friendship when you allow your friend to be the man as he is, with every virtue and defect.

My Band of Brothers

Coming back to “Band of brothers”. The key character is Richard Winters there, we meet him as a second lieutenant, and by the end of the saga he is already a major. This is a special character for me. He is an example of a friend and a commander at the same time. He is caring for his comrades and subordinates, but he is also a great authority. I mention him because my Dad is Richard Winters in my life. My Dad is the first friend and authority and commander in my life. It is a friendship discovered after many, many years of tough relationships. Like every human being, he has a lot of flaws and weaknesses, but he was with me when my life was hanging in the balance. It was he who took the months off to be with the six-year-old boy in CZD in Warsaw. He slept on the floor in the hospital or on a jack in the parents’ hotel. He combined as much as he could to be close to me! He sacrificed himself many times for me. Sometimes they were great victims, but to a large extent this is evidenced by the usual parental victims that die in the gray of everyday life. We had and we have a common place, a common goal, we are faithful to it, we reach for it, we are faithful and loyal to each other and we take care of ourselves. Dad also taught me how to be persistent in striving for my goals, consistency and responsibility for my decisions. And fidelity! He did not leave me, nor my brother, nor my mother! Dad, it’s an honor to be your friend and serve under your command!

If you stick to the friendship criteria I suggested, Kuba and Tomek were also my friends! Unfortunately, they were … both of them are already dead. Together we wielded disease and the hospital’s fate. Gentlemen, it was an honor!

During my studies, fate connected me with Ogór, Hubs, Jędrek and two Mateusz. We studied together for 5 years, we had the same problems, we experienced the same successes and failures. Even if contact is limited due to the normal flow of time, many moments of friendship will remain in the memory! Gentlemen, it was an honor!

“There were three of us and each of us had different blood
but we had one goal in mind”

When I first met with Adam, I basically stated that I don’t want to have anything to do with this guy. On the other hand, it was similar, even worse. It couldn’t happen! And yet! God had other plans! It was with him that I started what is known today as “There is hope, so it is worth living”. We did not know then that we were going to war. War with Satan and his people. We have a common goal, a passion for which we are ready to give our lives. What’s more, we lose them for each other every day. There were many attempts, and as time went on, more and more misunderstandings appeared. We differ on a lot of issues but well, who said it would be easy? It’s not easy, but it’s beautiful, because I know that I have someone who is able to pawn a lot for me. Adaś taught me that you should never give up. And it all started with the fact that he came to me in the dormitory to squeeze a suspicious business into me … Brother, thank you for staying, it is an honor to serve by your side and under your command!

It was similar with Piotrek. His personality disturbed me, he seemed to me… I won’t write this, he just didn’t make me feel positive. Then he turned out to be cool friends, but only friends. It did not bode well either. And yet! God had other plans! Piotrek was the first to trust our idea. He also did not know that he was going to war. For a no-compromise war. To a war where he would lose so much. However, he still goes with us and does not think to quit. In fact, many times he, as befits Peter, is the rock of Hope on which God the Father builds his plans! Hope is a matter of life for us. Referring to St. John Paul II, is our Westerplatte, which we are ready to defend until the last drop of blood. Of course, we spoil a lot of this blood every day. Sometimes I feel like using force against both. But we stay because we have a common goal before our eyes. Although we do not always understand him the same. However, we often try to correct the direction of our march to go where we really need to go. And I know that this is someone who will put everything at stake in the name of friendship. Piotrek taught me to approach other people without prejudices and patterns. And all because, as the starost, I failed in the organization of the discharge, and Piotrek had to explain for me. And once again, we spoke out against the rudeness that was aimed at both of us. We were hit unearthly, we were massacred, as they say now so well, but we gained friendship. Peter, it is an honor to serve by your side!
Together guys, they taught me friendship and many, many other things to talk about endlessly.

One for all!

Of course, I also have one more friend. It is Jesus, he simply IS, who saves me and gives meaning to every dimension of my life. And it never fails. Although it often pisses us off and we cannot get along with People’s China.

For Dad, Kuba, Tomek, Bartek, Hubert, Jędrek, Mateusz, Mateusz, Adam and Piotr.

This text was inspired by the story of David and Jonathan’s friendship described in the First Kings. From chapter 18.

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