What does your behavior mean?

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Meditation on Friday, 2nd week of Advent, year C2

Children on the market who rebuke their peers … This is how Jesus assessed his contemporaries, and his words can undoubtedly apply to us as well. Because have we changed even a little since then as humans? Have we learned anything in this regard in two thousand years?

It is probably not only me that this scene described by Jesus is irresistibly associated with the political conflicts that have moved from the Polish parliament to the Polish streets in recent weeks. And my further association – without denying the seriousness of either side – is a huge sandbox in which everyone wants to defend their bucket, shovel and not only get as much space as possible to build the sand castle they want, but also discipline others, to build similar castles. But this is just a digression – to be considered by everyone going to a demonstration in real life or on the Internet in the near future. For me as well. It is worth remembering the right proportions, regardless of the views and content of the engagement. In order not to get stuck in turmoil and not get carried away too far by the wave of emotions.

Or maybe we have learned something during these two thousand years? Recently, I have come across an interesting book about interpersonal relations. I looked at it and thought that at least the theory was not that bad at all. It is even quite good, because the research criteria are getting more and more precise, and scientists are asking more and more inquisitive questions. The problem is that the results of these studies are not sufficiently known, and if we already know them, it is not always convenient for us to relate them to ourselves and apply them in practice.

Here I would like to present some common mistakes we make by looking at the behavior of other people and then interpreting them not always appropriately, which in turn can lead to wrong moral judgments and judgments.

We judge ourselves more indulgently than others. We defend ourselves and the world of our own positive image. We are therefore more generous to ourselves than to others. She’s a hysterical bastard who always makes a pitchfork, and I only raise my voice because sometimes I can’t stand the stress of an objectively difficult situation. He is lazy and careless, and I make mistakes at work due to too little time. And I am not the cause of the conflict that has arisen, a crisis in my relations with another person, or a group not accepting me – they are unfair and hurt me.

We live up to our expectations. Impartiality and sterile neutrality even on the first contact with another person is as unattainable as a perfect vacuum in nature. We always heard something about someone before or we are guided by general prejudices and stereotypes. I looked at several CVs of job candidates and on this basis I build a preliminary picture of each of them, and it will certainly have an impact on the course of the interview and the choice that I will make. I went to a health center with a good reputation in the area and at the outset gave the doctors working there a great credit of trust, although later, in one case, I was unpleasantly disappointed.

We are influenced by the obvious. In a given situation, we choose the most intense, most often repetitive, unusual or most eye-catching stimuli for some other reason. The problem is that the most obvious factor is not always the most important or the only cause of events. A child who cries loudly that he has been hurt by a friend might also have been to blame to some extent because he previously teased or took a toy from his friend. Worse results in the work of a disabled person are attributed to their illness, and meanwhile, they could work in the same way as able-bodied colleagues, if they met with greater kindness from bosses and colleagues.

We attach to first impressions. First impressions are an evolutionarily shaped mechanism that helps us make quick decisions. Fortunately, most of us rarely have to decide within seconds whether the person we meet is a friend or an enemy that threatens our lives. On the other hand, we efficiently attach labels to the newly met, which can affect mutual contacts for a lifetime. And labels tend to expand into ever larger, more detailed, and consistent images. For example, I consider someone to be an extraordinary bastard and spit, and I have a thousand proofs of that, and it all started with the fact that at the first meeting at work this gentleman accidentally collided with me on the stairs.

We assume that others are just like us. I will not be offended if someone tells me that I am amoeba-level reasoning or that I am good at best for herding cows. However, I will be grossly indiscreet if I believe that someone else might take such statements as a joke. Or there are times in life where I would like an outsider to show me where I am going wrong. However, if, under the influence of these desires, I myself start pointing out to someone obvious errors in their behavior, looking at someone from the outside, I should rather not count on gratitude.

We prefer negative impressions. Research has shown that, of the many opinions we hear about someone, a negative judgment affects our judgment of another person the most. I hear that someone is handsome, intelligent, well-educated, but what I remember most is information about his conceit and timeliness. Consciously or unconsciously, various malicious and gossipers take advantage of this phenomenon. We cannot avoid negative evaluations and it is worth knowing them in order not to get into trouble. However, it is always necessary to wonder to what extent they are right and whether they are so important that we have to end any acquaintance or cooperation because of them.

Having become acquainted with these errors, we now know for sure why Jesus’ contemporaries believed that John was possessed by an evil spirit, and considered Jesus himself a glutton and a drunkard. May this knowledge also allow us to analyze our opinions about people around us, especially those who, for one reason or another, we do not like.

R. B. Adler, L. B. Rosenfeld, R. F. Proctor II, Interpersonal Relationships. Communication process, Poznań 2006.