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Autumn again. Cold, sunny and plenty of colors in nature. I like autumn. Usually.
But this year, fall means for me a decision to change. Back to the pre-creation state of me as an active person. I’ve been wondering for a few months now: what made me here and now in this and no other professional reality. Which decisions leading up to this point were deliberate, and which – the result of chance? And why am I so bored even though I am basically doing what I like.
There’s a first job every morning: waking up the perpetually awake who are awake at 7am on weekends. Then long and nervous negotiations about wardrobe, the contents of the cups (coffee, cocoa or tea) and constant competitions over time when putting on shoes, jackets and hats. More and more often it looks like a competition: who will be the first to find my hat. When it is 8.30 – 9.00 am you can start your efforts to climb the career ladder.
On Monday I work with the little ones. I sing, dance, color, cut out and glue pictures out of paper. I tell about God to children who don’t talk or listen. The only thing that goes to them are songs, sometimes a prayer such as: How nice how beautiful it is when a little child kneels when the hands are nicely folded to praise You Lord God! Then shopping, because favorite shops on the way and a round of schools and kindergartens to pick up offspring from educational institutions.
I am writing on Tuesday when I have orders. Or I clean up, do shopping, run a lot of errands, pick up children from kindergarten and school. I don’t work on Tuesday, I talk quite often, I don’t do anything. Nothing means that around 8 p.m. I don’t know my name and why should I go to work tomorrow if I need rest.
On Wednesday – junior high school students. A few hours, a few windows – nothing difficult. It means I’m leaving there defeated. I do not know if anything went to them, even though I am sure that I conducted the classes well. Such work, I think, nothing like that – someone else will see the fruit. This fall on Wednesdays is always marked with the words “if only to survive” alternating with “meaningless”.
On Thursday – half a day’s work from home. I write if I have orders. But I also implement a home logistics program. Sometimes you have to do the laundry, fold a pile of clothes, sweep the floor, look in the fridge and fill the gaps on the shelves. And then the little ones again. Different kindergarten, different atmosphere. And the so-called quick ball, because the teachers rush, because other activities, because dinner, because the backyard. But the kids don’t want the class to end soon. They sing songs from a year ago, draw and paint the Mother of God, fill the whole room with themselves. And they don’t want to let me go when it’s time for me. The song is a hit: There is no one like Jesus!
On Friday, youth again. Sometimes the First Friday Mass, and getting up at dawn to overcome the space clogged with cars and public transport. Then some lessons, discussions, singing, sometimes meetings with other people, about half a liter of coffee on the account and a quick return home. To be ahead of everyone who likes to be in traffic.
My weekends are quite often busy with meetings. Community, friends, family, acquaintances, trips. From time to time I run Saturday workshops for families, it can be nice and interesting. Always creative. Weekends are a bit tiring, so when someone offers me a job on Sunday or Saturday, I want to tap my forehead in a known place. The weekend is also a chance to spend a longer time with my family. We do a lot of interesting and interesting things for us, so on Sunday evening I feel like saying it, spitting it out …
Sometimes I selfishly think: I dream of a weekend in an empty house, where there is only silence. Older friends who have already raised their children say: it’s nothing, it’s normal, someday it will be like that. My mother says that I will still run out of such loud weekends filled with people. They talk about my weariness: it’s nothing, you’ll mention it as a nice experience one day.
The words “nothing” and “once” remind me recently of the description of creation in the Book of Genesis.
When looking at his decisions and their consequences, does God ever doubt whether he is feeling weary? His unchanging nature, faithfulness, steadfastness, goodness and omnipotence surely guarantee the answer: no, nothing tires him. But still, I wonder how He got from NOTHING to WORLD CREATION? I keep asking myself this question. But this fall – in the context of professional change.
God created the world out of nothing in less than a week. Of course, a symbolic week.
Maybe the same applies to my week? Nothing and chaos is a state of fatigue, weariness, erratic matters, turbulences of time and space, confusion due to decisions whose consequences cannot be predicted. Nothing are the moments when a person stops and looks at his life in amazement, asking himself the question: how the hell could I be here? Nothing is the time when you really don’t know which way to go, what to put your hands in, how to bite the hopeless things and what to say when they ask and I don’t know the answer …
Then you have to refer to the order. Monday Tuesday Wednesday…. one by one, not all for one day. Put it aside, watch it, see if it’s good. And then go ahead…
Change is slow, they say for generations. But I have been urging change for years and I think it’s time to succumb to it. Change your approach, change the formula of creating a world of emotions, relationships, events around you, or you can simply change your job. Change jobs, it’s actually plural in my case.
Just how to find the point p.t. NOTHING on the timeline of my career adventures? And where to start creating anew? From nothing? Can it start on Tuesday?
Autumn is coming, it sprinkles leaves, the sun shines in the eyes and the wind stands upright. Each tree changes at least twice a year. Maybe a man should also air his thoughts and CV more often. To go out of my own experience and look at it from a different angle.
Nothing, as one soldier used to say. Another week ahead of me. And maybe there will be… CHANGE?
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