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Some time ago someone looked at me closely. He’s someone who has known me quite a long time and quite well. I don’t know why or what for, but one day he reflected on all my activities. Concentrating so many adventures in such a short life, on achievements and the kind of strength I use to survive in failure. He thought about the kind of my studies, about professional adventures that a theologian should rather not have. He thought about the number of people I looked after as a mother, teacher, animator, and about my crazy fate – a psychological tumor seeker (read: difficult conversations with difficult people in difficult terrain). And he said, “Give me the name of your dealer. I want to take it too. ”
We laughed merrily. I knew immediately what the name was. What is his name. Who is. And where to find Him. It just so happens that many people are looking for Him. And two days ago I returned from a retreat entitled “Who are you looking for?”. Hence the subject of my reflection.
Lenten retreats are always an extraordinary time. I sometimes organize such events. Because of my profession, but also because I like doing it and I have a talent for it.
You have to call several places: find accommodation, provide the group with food, some reasonably good conditions of stay. You need to create good information about where, who is going and with whom. You have to set up a program, talk to the priest or wait for him to respond or wait for something to be done. Arrange with the supervisors and group animators what they are to deal with. Then, keep an eye on the course of the trip, classes, and quickly deal with changes that are sure to happen. You have to deal with logistics. And not to disturb anyone too much.
It happens that the retreat organizer often does not have time to experience something deeper. Sometimes it is Martha from the Gospel scene Lk 10: 38-42. Mary sits at the feet of the Lord and listens, and Martha is bustling. He makes sure that nothing is missing, runs around the kitchen, looks into the pots, cleans, makes a shopping list, checks that everything is in place, so that the guests do not run out of anything. That is her role.
This time was different. I decided mainly to get along with “my dealer”. Because, to be honest, everything was too hard for me from the beginning. Each future element of this event aroused fear and the feeling that I know nothing, understand nothing and everything is one great unknown. Even in the here and now, I didn’t know what to lean on.
So I gave the helm to the one who really rules at each retreat. I took care of the necessary formalities – a place, food, a preliminary plan, a few conversations with my retreat father. Supposedly, by some famous Dominican, someone sent him to me, I didn’t choose him. You know, everyone faints at the sound of his name, “oooh and aaah …”, “you know who’s the jeeeeeeest?” But somehow I did not know and did not have too much time to googles to search who started. I thought, since he is so famous and great he knows what to do. Dominicans usually know what to do, so in the moment of the worst confusion in my head, I said: okay, let it go, because I won’t be able to control everything anyway.
And I sat at His feet listening to what Jesus said.
I also decided on the occasion of the retreat that I would not get nervous and I would try to make the most of the possibility of adoring prayer. I will sit with Him and let Him guide it.
Yes, I was running a lot on the floors, between people who were quite nervous at times. And because the food is not what they expected, and because vegetarians do not have separate plates, but only three efficient showers for 56 people, and because girls are separate from boys, and because it is not known whether the equipment to watch the movie is there and there is no paper, crayons, felt-tip pen, the Bible was lost, and because someone rebelled and would not go where it should, and because the graphics spread out, and because someone did not understand something there and it turned into a “pin”. As usual.
The priest turned out to be someone who understood what was going on, a professional. He spoke well and immediately got in touch with the youth. He played guitar, sang in a voice I hadn’t heard for a long time. I define this timbre of voice “familiar with the adoration of a suffering God, deep and peaceful tenderness”. I still didn’t know who I was working with. His name meant something to me, but I couldn’t quite make out what. I didn’t have time, and I guess I wanted to rummage in the Net and follow him. I just relied on a simple relationship with a cool, sincere priest. Hear that wise, that he has experience. I tried not to get in his way. I felt safe in his peaceful presence.
Calmness was the main theme of these days. Adoration of Christ helped with this.
The name of my dealer is Jesus Christ. Kind of boost (poor metaphor, I know): the transforming power of the Eucharist, and willingness plus the ability to focus on Him in adoration.
I usually have to wake up early almost every day. At home, I have five children to send to kindergarten and school. And I also go to different places of work, on different days, at different times. At the weekend, the little ones don’t let them lie down any longer. And I usually don’t have the strength to get up in the morning. During the retreat, I worked around the clock, serving dozens of people with all kinds of help. And I had no problem getting up much earlier than usual, i.e. around 5.30, to use the bathroom calmly, and then spend some time with Jesus in prayer in the empty chapel.
I usually fall on my face in the evening around 9pm. Adoration took place every day during the retreat, it ended around 22.00. Later, after a series of meetings with group supervisors (arranging what tomorrow, helping with herd the young to bed), I still had time and strength to read, do and write something for others, calmly think over the day, think about what’s next with my life. In the morning I woke up without getting tired.
I call this monastic mode. Sometimes I do it. Recently I made it a few years ago.
Miracles happen when I stop by Jesus for a longer than usual time.
When the retreat Father during the Holy Mass. At the end he said: and this is the end (I was supposed to go out to thank the priest and all the guardians) – suddenly I was so totally tired that I couldn’t get up. Infirmity. The retreat father must have called me.
“This is the end. Anyone else want to say something? ”
And I have no idea what to say, even though I have thought and prepared everything beforehand. Okay, I think, I’m going, but Jesus, Jesus, speak for me, because I don’t know what to do now.
I don’t know what I told the priest and then to the teachers, I don’t remember. I gave away what I had to give away, I thanked it. I felt the joy of the people gathered around me. But I didn’t really feel anything about myself. Total emptiness. And overwhelming peace. And He’s in there, all smiling on that cross of his.
Then we all sang a hymn to the exit. Usually, high school students fled the chapel before I finished singing that last song. Now they were standing – after the song was finished – and nothing. They were standing and waiting for something.
I joked to myself: what happened to you that you don’t want to leave the chapel? Are we doing one more Mass?
They laughed, someone said they did not want to leave the retreat, it would be a shame to go home. Probably not everyone shared it, but really everyone stayed a little longer than usual in this chapel.
It was a weird experience for me. He really picked me up and helped me go to the end. And he added an extra gift in the form of such a strong tip.
I think that His living presence, His will, which we accept, causes the greatest miracles in our lives. Even though I was responsible for many things, too many things, I also managed to experience this retreat deeply, and not just organize an event with Jesus. Meet Him like Mary at His feet.
Thank you Jesus for that. It was surprising and unusual. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to your J
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P.S. And the best number is… I finally read who this father Wojciech Jędrzejewski is. I already know where I associate the name from, sometimes I read his comments on the Holy Bible. I use the readings on mateusz.pl when I pray using the Tent of Meeting or Lectio divina method.
It’s good that I didn’t know who he was, except that he was a decent priest and an ordinary man. I would be afraid to speak up. 😉
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