Or do you struggle with your thoughts? I reveal internal conflicts – my own and my clients

To trust people or not? To control or to check? To ask or to speak? Support people or require? To be honest or to be nice? Some people clearly know what to do. The latter are able to combine two perspectives. Others are in an internal conflict.

The question is, who is achieving the intended results? In this article, I reveal my own dilemmas and internal conflicts, and show what 80% of my customers are struggling with.

I have been dealing with psychology for years. At the beginning it was the psychology of communication, then social psychology, then the psychology of sports, the next step was the psychology of success and happiness. Then I started exploring clinical psychology, and the next step is business psychology.

And so for years everything I do revolves around people, their minds and emotions in various contexts.

In 2006 I conducted my first training, but in January 2009, together with my wife and business partner Kamila, we launched our brand, now known as: Institute for Change Leaders.

The 10th anniversary of our journey is approaching. And right before that, I am publishing my third book, the most important publication that sums up 60% of what I do. These 60% set the foundations, but the 40% that cannot be included in a book determines who I am, how I work, thanks to which I achieve results.

It is only in the struggle of your own business, work for clients, companies that the essence comes out, which gives a real change.

Which part is more important? The 60% or the 40%? It cannot be said. Everything complements. These thoughts, after 10 years, led me to ask myself the following questions: Having all this, having all this powerful knowledge about man, own know-how, methods, what is it all?

Be honest about my internal conflicts

In 2009, I had to ask myself what I want to do, what I want to do. It was then that the knowledge from the outside, the American know-how, on the basis of which we created the Coaching School with an extremely strong basis of knowledge and practice, was very helpful.

After 10 years, I still use what I have learned, but there are a lot of my own conclusions, concepts, methods that allow you to have your own style, your foundation of knowledge. With so much in mind, thoughts were racing again: What is all this? What direction should we take for the coming years?

Sometimes with little we don’t know where to go. Sometimes, having a lot, we feel that we can go in many directions. The life of an entrepreneur, leader or specialist is a constant search and verification of the direction. I often support my clients in this, which I have been working on for the last few months.

And I came to an important conclusion.

In fact, I deal with interpersonal communication, which is a key element in change. This communication is really a constant work with the resistance, blockages, fears that arise in us and in others during any changes. Human communication is the art of working with resistance. I support this constantly. Be it future coaches, advisers, trainers who want to help others. Is it the sales departments to better target customers. Is it the managers, so that they can manage better, appear in front of employees. Is it the management that they do it better when introducing changes. Or every person who goes through life changes on his own, but has various fears that create resistance that leads to standing against the “wall”.

When I look back years, I realize that often the “wall” grows up because we cannot decide. Is A or B? X or Y? In a sense, life and business is a constant art of making choices which way to go. In 2005, I had to decide which direction to take in my life. In 2008, together with Kamila, I needed to decide where we want to go professionally together. Now, in 2018, having a lot of experience, we needed to choose what is our essence, since so much can be done.

• Work with 1v1 people or companies?
• Focus on online training or live workshops?
• To support people therapeutically or in business?
• Target a lower price and reach widely or have a high price and work with a small number of customers?
• Should the company be expanded in terms of the number of employees, or should I work with Kamil and rely on external partners?
• Am I more of a therapist, coach, advisor, trainer, speaker or entrepreneur?
• Should you be active on FB, Instagram etc or only focus on meeting people live?
• Should the company develop in the area of ​​education, coaching and consulting or focus on hard manufacturing and commercial business?
• Or maybe all at once?

Consequences of holding conflicts within

We have been asking ourselves these kinds of questions since 2007, but this year, after 10 years of operating under our own brand, knowing that any direction is possible, these questions were even more difficult. Some of the dilemmas were normal business analyzes where the decision depended on looking at the results, numbers. Simple. Others, on the other hand, were of an existential nature – who am I, what is the company, what is dear to us? And these dilemmas often led to an internal conflict, which was able to take a lot of mental and physical energy, so there was not enough strength for other activities. And even if there were forces, there was no so-called “Flight in the head” – it was difficult to think creatively and creatively.

This influenced the fact that, for example, there were no systematic recordings on YouTube, or I had to pause the podcasts for 2 weeks. Fortunately, other activities could be continued, because thanks to proper work on myself I knew what to let go, what to continue and how to regain strength. There is a period during which, despite dilemmas or internal conflicts, one can act, but there is also a climax when it is time to make decisions.

Unfortunately, many people take this moment for weeks, months or years with serious professional or worse health consequences.

Therefore you need to know:

• make decisions
• become more consistent
• select
• to move.

What responses have we come up to? Observe our activities and expect an article and recordings on this topic in a while.

These were my dilemmas or internal conflicts. What are the others? What people face every day?

Do we know what’s on our mind?

In the middle of this year I had a series of 8 counseling and coaching sessions with one of the managers. During the 4 sessions, we wrote down some conclusions that resulted from the discussion on how to talk to employees during shifts, difficult unclear moments in the company, delays, etc:

• Don’t be directive. Give people space
• Ask, don’t impose
• Listen, don’t speak
• Give people responsibility, don’t do everything yourself
• Trust people, don’t control
• Take responsibility for communication and don’t blame others
• Don’t let emotions take over you, stay calm
• Be honest, don’t withhold information
• Be yourself, don’t pretend
• Avoid conflicts, a good atmosphere comes first
• The result is not the most important thing, but the people
• Don’t judge, judging is bad, accept
• Value people, don’t criticize
• Support people, teach them
• Focus on solutions, not causes.

A lot of people who have achieved a lot will say something this client wrote to me after the session when I emailed him the list of requests:

Adam, that’s all you said, what we talked about and what you sent me here, unfortunately, (I conclude), but book wisdom that may make people nicer, but these rules they make you lazy, they create bigger problems because you can’t be honest. We suppress emotions and truthfulness. Besides, many people like like, including me, have not gotten where I am by being nice. I am resistant, tough, effective because others were for me and me for others:

• directive and resolute. If you are unsure of yourself and confident in your vision, then you ask. If you are sure, assign;
• told what to do, and didn’t ask, didn’t talk because it was a waste of time;
• I did most of it myself, because giving responsibility to others ended badly;
• was controlling and being controlled. You can trust a friend, wife, but not employees;
• I pointed out the guilty ones, because then people mobilized;
• I didn’t suppress my anger, I showed emotions. It is then known whether something is well done or not. Thanks to this, there was respect and focus on tasks;
• I wasn’t being honest. Honesty has always turned against me. I gave a finger, they pulled off my hand. Honestly sharing doubts, thoughts only caused rumors, endless discussions;
• did not avoid conflicts. When there was a disagreement, there was a strong discussion and even an argument. Taking care of a good atmosphere weakens, slows down, reduces efficiency;
• the result is crucial. When there is a result, people are happy. Focusing on people dissuades you from the outcome;

I always rated

• . The sooner I assess a situation or someone, the sooner I know what to do. If one cannot bear the grade, he is too weak;
• nobody supported me and that’s why I am where I am. I had to figure it out myself. Supporting laxes and dissolves;
• I always look forward to solutions, but I also always want to understand the reason so that you know why it happened, who did it and why

These rules, which are the reverse of what we wrote in the meeting, created me, got me where I am, who I am.

I asked him in another e-mail:

Got it. I have a key question for you: did I imposed the rules that we wrote down during the meeting, wrote them out of the book, or was it the result of our discussion? I wrote them down based on your conclusions, right? Am I wrong?

Because I have the impression that you said something else at the meeting and something else in the e-mail, and you also recognize that these rules of the meeting are only mine, as if they did not come from you. Please explain.

What he wrote back was extremely interesting:

Woooow. That you bent me. I think I have schizophrenia. I feel like a fool. You’re right. Sorry.

As if I was struck by lightning. I was convinced that those conclusions from the meeting were yours and not mine.

When they really are mine, they are the result of our conversation, it was me.

I feel doubled. I have never experienced anything like this.

I need to sleep with this.

The next day he wrote:

You will have something Adam to tell at your training sessions and performances.

But I see some sense now.

I really agree with each of these rules.

Because these tough rules shaped me, but I realized that I was always looking for an answer to the question: can it be otherwise? I wanted otherwise, but often did not admit it. But at the same time, I believe that hard rules are also important.

I started reading this Collins book, “Visionary Organizations” that you recommended. There is this passage that you said that leaders can combine extremes: determination and sensitivity, sharpness and gentleness, vision and detail.

This is a huge challenge.

I am looking forward to your book “The Wall”, although it will be in a few months (e-mail was written in July 2018), discoveries will be there for sure! Thanks.

If you are interested in the topic of internal conflicts and you want to learn how to deal with them, watch this live:

Internal conflicts of people, and maybe yours?

As you can see after this exchange of e-mails, my client had to deal with the so-called internal conflicts. That is, a set of beliefs and thoughts that are in opposition to each other. The more we have in us, the more they burn us. Sometimes one but a large conflict of our inner thoughts, which we also call “parts”, is enough to lead us to burnout, fatigue, and the inability to make decisions. All of this leads to stagnation and not getting what we want.

Internal conflict creates strong resistances within ourselves. They cause us to hesitate to do something, say something we would like to do or say. My job, as you may already know, is mainly to support people or companies in overcoming resistance, aversion and blockades that stand in the way of the goal. This is called the wall we bounce off of. The problem for most people is that they don’t know what really is at the source of that wall. It is not easy as there may be many sources. One of them is internal conflicts. So let’s summarize what they can be. The following conflicts affect everyone in every role: manager, employee, parent, child.

The resistance and experience of the wall affects everyone regardless of their position, role or income. The first step to dealing with this is knowing exactly what “parts” in us are actually fighting each other.

Internal conflicts within the framework of professional cooperation:

1. 1. Be demanding and direct to people VS Give people space
   2. You have to impose your opinions on people, otherwise it will be chaos VS Ask people, have discussions
   3. Tell people what to do VS Listen, mostly listen
   4. Count on yourself, do most by yourself VS Count on others, give people responsibility, don’t do everything yourself
   5. People need to be controlled VS People should be trusted
   6. Find the culprit, know who is responsible for the error VS Take responsibility for what happened
   7. Show negative emotions (anger, anger, frustration) VS Always stay calm and never show emotions

• Another 8 examples of conflicts and tips on how to deal with conflicts can be found in the downloadable material at the end of this article

Internal personal-life conflicts

1. 1. Focus on the work VS Take care of yourself
   2. Press on professional topics VS You need to rest
   3. Keep your problems to yourself VS Share your problems with loved ones
   4. Be independent, don’t count on others VS Ask for help, get help from others
   5. Take care of your interests VS Take care of your relatives, friends
   6. Rest VS take care of the house, clean up
   7. Exercise, go to training VS meet family

• Another 8 examples of conflicts and tips on how to deal with conflicts can be found in the downloadable material at the end of this article

One might find that the beliefs on the left are bad and the beliefs on the right are great and good. Someone else will say: The ones on the left are real, specific, and those on the right are fantasy, bookish books. Yet another person: The left is what makes us successful, the right one is nice. Another: Only the sentences on the right really allow you to be effective. And so on and so forth. How do you think?

Based on my personal experience, psychological knowledge and working with people and companies, I believe that it all depends on the context and the type of relationship we are in at the moment. The world is not binary. What seems wrong in X may be best in Y.

Most people are unaware that there is such a thing as an internal conflict. And if they are aware of this, they cannot find and name it. If they can, then the challenge is to cope with it. And even if we deal with it, in a few days, weeks, months, a new situation will emerge that will require us to “tame the conflict” again.

If you do not know your internal conflicts, it may be because you are at a point or longer in your life that you do not have them, or they are small dilemmas. It is also possible that they are in you, causing problems but you are not aware of them. Do not try to force it. On the one hand, everyone has different beliefs, thoughts, parts that have different opinions, but the goal is not always to be aware of them.

However, when we feel that we are standing in front of a wall, when things are not going well, when we are not doing what we planned for a long time, it may be because of internal conflicts. And it’s time to get interested in them. Sometimes the mere awareness of a conflict starts to set him free. As Adam Nowak sings from Raz, Dwa, Trzy: Call things by their names and they will change in the blink of an eye.

I wish you this! But if you want to know more about what to do to deal with them, please come to LIVE on Facebook tomorrow, Sunday at 19:00. There I will continue this topic and advise on what to do to understand conflicts and what to do to deal with them.