We’re flying wolf

There are lonely or receding individuals among wolves, especially in the spring and summer season. The lone wolf is to a greater extent a myth in our mentality, but it is a myth that smells of freedom and disobedience – something that every human yearns for. In culture, the wolf has been contrasted with obedient sheep. That’s all that matters.

Faith and mysticism are probably different things as well. Maybe there is no such difference as between sheep and wolves. Sheep can be faithful. Of course, a sheep can also be a mystic – but can’t it be an unfaithful wolf? Who is the unfaithful mystic? A sheep or a wolf trying to put on a sheepskin? He is definitely a heretic, he can even be a blasphemy. Does mysticism require humility? Who to judge humility – and by what? After external appearances? Who are you to tell me if I am humble or not – and doesn’t the fire come from something other than a lack of humility? But it’s not better when the wolf fails – and is still a wolf after all? Who is the wolf? It is worth asking yourself this question to get an answer in silence.

So I ask myself directly: Do I believe? What does it mean to believe when I definitely don’t feel anything like God – even when I feel into being like a yogi at dawn in the morning? After all, I have converted. I even thought that my reason (ratio) was an obstacle in my faith. Overthrow towers, discard schematics. Trying to reach beyond reason, I came to the conclusion that I do not necessarily pick the fruit of faith, because the tree has not yet grown. After all, apart from the abstract of reason, there is also a physical brain. Maybe he is the obstacle to me? After all, I broke the fruit of knowledge – I started to read, explore, study history in the subject area that interested me.

Faith exploded. Its light, showing at first the vague outlines of the expected, revealed… mental twists and manipulations within it. Was it another existential error? That’s possible. Only the cow in the pasture is not adventurous. I looked up at the sky and said:

– God. If you made me this way, let me know in such a way that I, this way and not the other, can communicate with you.

I’ve been waiting a week. Two. I waited a month. A month and a half goes by. In the meantime, I was driving a truck. I also prayed in tongues

– Lenke lete kerelan takana maka laten huara kenijtel…

and read from 5 books by eminent authors, historians and biblical scholars. Of course, I also swallowed the Holy Scriptures – and I must admit that, in awe of the variety of possible interpretations and translations – I swallowed 59 or 60 times in my life. This time from Hebrew to Greek, from Greek to Polish. I was given the intellectually sound training to wait for God.

At some point in these expectations, my brain (yes, brain, not mind) thought:

– Well, while the mind can be defeated, the brain is a bit more complicated …

I started to worry about myself, about the condition of my brain, or maybe not too many different experiments in the past resulting from such and not other conquests. So I turned to Uncle Dobra Rada. I open a great Greek life tutorial, and there

– Sick limbs cut off.

– Hang myself – I thought – the brain will lose access to oxygen, it will die. Like Judas, the traitor of Jesus.

I started laughing. I got in the car and drove to the mountains.

I wear mountain boots, go above the rainy forests, look at the clouds and think that n ikt won’t tell me that I haven’t tried. And in a way that most cannot experience. Few know my adventures, in fact few know me at all and what I have gone through or lived, if only for this purpose. Nobody will accuse me of not looking for – various starting points, topoi and ou-topoi (utopias), the modernization of reason, its destruction and transcendence through meditation and empiricism. I rejected my reason, opening myself in an existentially possible way, because I was immersed in total silence lasting for long weeks. There was a lot of it. What’s up … Or maybe I won’t scare myself anymore with the thoughts of people who talk about salvation from hell, satan and damnation all the time, because this kind of mental sharia is simply not influencing me in the world?

It is not good – I keep thinking as I walk along the Beskid ridge – and it does not make me want to run away from gloomy visions. I don’t want such thoughts in my life. I do not wish that my choice of path to a more beautiful life would be weighed against the willingness to run away from the evil that will occur if something changes on my path or if I change it. Because I want to be free, I don’t want life manuals or authority. I will never agree to freedom and good understood as freedom from from evil, because I want to be free – even to evil. It depends on how you understand them. This is my conscience, no one will tell me what is good and what is bad, because then it talks about what is good or bad for him, not for me. I do not know if there is objective good and evil, I think so – evil is slavery. Good is freedom.

After all, only you can tell me that, if you exist. But you are silent. Probably because you can’t tell me this without scaring me with this hell of yours. It follows that you are not my God. I also want to be free to okay. Downward motivation is completely gone. I want freedom, not just release.

I put a hammock between the trees, which I sometimes do to take a forest nap. Once I was comfortable in the hammock, I heard an inner voice and started talking to him:

– To be free, you must first break free or be free.

– You’ve already set me free. – I replied. – I was baptized, right? What. Doesn’t work?

– I set you free and you turn your back on me?

– I’m not turning around. I have nothing against you. You saved the world. Cool. What, you wanted to redeem me as a slave, so that I would be your slave now? After all, I am free by nature. I was captured and you set me free. Thank you very much for that, but you have set me free, not to be your slave?

– I am freedom.

– I’m not denying it. I just do not consider release and freedom in the terms you are proposing to me. I may feel it differently. You are release. But the wind of the Holy Ghost from other lands is blowing on me.

– And what categories do I suggest you? And what lands other than those your heart loves?

– I don’t know exactly like that. It seems to me that if I disconnect from the herd of sheep shitting in the pastures and choose the forest that I love, I will be pounded by wolves, that is, Satan, and I will go to hell. I am asking you that this is the choice you leave to me. Your lands are pastures. And mine are forests. I’m not a sheep, forgive me, but the herds have always been pushing me away. In the sense that I don’t mind, let them be there, but they probably won’t drag me to them. You can’t. I feel suffocated between sheep and people. I don’t like, well, forgive me, the forest is better. Połonina, crag, ridge, pasture. Understand. Just to force them to drag me, and forgive me, at this point I am saying that it is not from you, since you are infinitely good. They could even call an exorcist. I’d make him eat a crucifix. They would treat my proposal as a possession.

– But be yourself a wolf, even lonely. Sheep is just a metaphor. Pastures too. Pastures are boring. Sheep are stupid, pigs are smarter after all. I often went to the desert or took a boat to stay away from the herd …

– This sheep metaphor is a bit lame. Compare people to sheep. For cattle. Such a herd … I don’t think it takes into account all types of human psyche. You were running away on your own.

– Sorry, such animals were in the area back then … I had no way of explaining to the fishermen. They were afraid of loneliness, preferring family and social life. They also bent everything pretty well. Well, no matter… People are different.

– So what am I supposed to do now? I like black metal. I love Behemoth. I like it when I tear the Bible. I love listening to satanic black metal, I think they sound great. They give me great pleasure in the blasphemy they shout out. Like a spicy dish. It calms me down that someone is riding your tights and has the courage to do so. Understand? It soothes me. I have already ridden rallies more than once, and so finally. Now I like skating in music. Some of what Christians call demons sooth me, and you, of course, do not say you as you, but you somehow don’t get to me in their vision. This is who I am. And I am infuriated by catotalibs who demand that a woman be stoned for miscarriage. Besides, I love to spend my time in absolute solitude. I’m a recluse. I have nothing to do with people, sometimes I like them, but so do distance and loneliness. I like to spend my time alone the most. And the Holy Scriptures … In fact, it can be interesting, but sometimes bland and repetitive like tripe with oil. Even embarrassing at times. I don’t like reading it, I’ll tell you honestly. It torments me, I feel as if the shaman Kali is speaking to the natives some folk rules or something like that. Well, don’t be offended, Joshua, don’t take it personally. Those were the times, I know it. Someone should write some new gospels, because the old ones can be summarized in a few paragraphs. Well … what do you say to me? Do you see a place for me here somewhere? I’m honest with you now. I’m not lying to you. You know very well that I told you everything. What else do you want I can’t blow my brain. What am I supposed to … hang myself from this branch? That I’m cheating on you like this Judas because I don’t get you? Maybe just as a metaphor? The rest of Judas’ gospel is great. Incomplete, but has interesting words that are absent in these four sensational versions for the masses.

– You don’t understand…

– Oh no … I don’t understand, just imagine. You see, this is how I am, that I don’t understand because that’s how you made me. I am limited and I cannot read your mind, let alone sheep who talk about you and do not know what. How can I understand what they are chanting to me when they do not know themselves? Why do you blame me for that?

– I have no complaints, only that this writing is for sheep and for the sake of sheep. You are the one wrong here now. These writings are appropriate for them, just as pasture grass is suitable for some animals, and birds, for example, for others. You will not understand it as they understand it, even if you understand every word in every translation. You have a different brain than the intended audience.

– What am I supposed to do with it?

– Just leave the sheep alone and head back to the forest.

– And what do I have to do to avoid Hell?

– You’re not going to hell.

– Everything you wrote in the book of sheep shows that I will go. I am a wolf.

– Well, you are not a sheep, so you will not understand what is written in a sheep’s book. There are other books for you. All you have to do is let the sheep live like a sheep and eat it from the forest. Don’t bite the sheep any more. Stay away from them. Then you won’t go to Hell.

– Don’t you want to be my shepherd?

– No. Don’t put on sheepskin anymore. Don’t try to become someone you are not.

– Then who am I? You know, the wolf is a figure…

-… Rhetorical, I know, I know. Go to the forest. Live in harmony with the forest. As you understand him. You have ears, then listen.

– Then who are you then? But don’t speak the language of the sheep to me anymore, because I won’t understand any of it. Are you god Yes, in my language, tell me.

– No. I am not. Don’t call me God. You hate that word. It is empty for you. For you, I am as a shepherd of sheep. Carpenter.

– Aaa… All right then. Except you know, I still don’t trust you somehow … Because now I don’t know if you’re not a demon.

– In the language of sheep or wolves?

– Yes, I understand.

– Like every living creature, you have features in common with other species. But hold on to your ecosystem, wolf. For those who disbelieve something, it may be your faith. It also happens that your unbelief is similar to the faith of others. You have ears. Listen.

– Can you just explain to me what faith means? I have been struggling with it since I was a child.

– Eech … Again some clichéd slogan …

-… no…

-… wait… this, well… mnemosyne…

-… listening… translated in context more as memory.

– Yes.

– What should I listen to?

– Anything …

– Not much of it translates to practice, and you know, I really only care that much. So what to do?

– Do yours.

At this point, I woke up because it was raining heavily. We’re flying wolf.

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