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What really prevents people from convincing others? How better to convince others? Why am I not effective? Why am I failing to win what I care about? Many people ask such questions. Persuasion techniques work to some extent, but not entirely. Something is still missing. To convince better, it is not enough to master a few persuasive tricks. You have to go deeper, reach for your own beliefs and emotions. Look at our own resistances and the pitfalls we fall into. Then a whole new world will open for us, in which people listen to us more willingly and buy our ideas more often. And that also means an end to the frustration and stress we’ve had so far.
Successful persuasion is on the one hand using the language of persuasion, but on the other (and this is even more important) the lack of blockages and resistance in your own head. It is inconvenient, but it must be said straightforwardly: persuading others is a great psychological challenge. It’s art with a capital “S”. And mastering it is extremely important in today’s world.
Just think: how much ahead could you be if you had more faith in your ideas and communicated that faith effectively to others?
If you were not afraid that your idea or product would be criticized?
Or he had no qualms about confronting another person or a group of people?
There may be at least a few such unconscious pitfalls, resistances and fears:
- Not sure your opinion
- The expectation trap
- Fear of judgment and criticism
- Fear of liability
- Fear of competition / confrontation
- Bad preparation and lack of counterparty perspective
If you want to take a closer look at them and find (at least partially) a solution to the problems you have had in persuading others so far, read on.
You care about something, but you’re not really sure of your opinion. You are concerned that your opinion is not one hundred percent correct – you will not get cut for it. Why don’t you get cut into it?
It is our confidence that greatly convinces others. You could say: why would someone believe you if you don’t believe yourself? First we have to convince ourselves. Only then is the time to convince others. Until they are sure of us, they won’t buy anything.
Sometimes it will be a matter of better preparation – gathering evidence or gaining experience in some field. And sometimes there is more to it. In fact, each of the subsections I mention in this article contribute to our confidence in persuasion.
And what can people feel from us, if not absolute certainty of the idea?
“It would be fun, I logically think you should do it, you should do it, you should believe it.” But when someone asks, “man, do you really believe that?” Hesitation begins. A slight deviation from the topic and internal doubts as to whether it is really such a good idea as it seemed. When there is such a lelum polelum in us, it is more difficult for others to trust and, consequently, be convinced of what we propose.
We really believe that. We know it’s good. We really care. But not enough to fight back. We let go quickly. Perhaps someone else’s resistance does not shake our conviction, but it makes us feel uncomfortable. Consequently, we do not press down, we do not try to break through, we just give up.
- There is faith and energy, but not trusting
Do you know people who want to change the world immediately after leaving the motivational training? It was a real plague in Poland in 2006-2010, when the training and coaching market was developing here. People after the NLP courses, for example, came out excited, with sparkling eyes and full of excitement that now they understand everything and will change the world, tell others how to live. And these people really believed it, they really meant it well. They got to know a lot of good knowledge that they wanted to share right away.
Why did this rarely work? Why were they not trusted? Because what came from them was horny. So a bit childish. They thought they had the energy and they were prepared, but it wasn’t real energy or real confidence – it was just horny.
We often don’t realize that we look like this from the side. We believe in something very much, but we are not convincing because we feel a certain naiveté. We believe strongly – that’s a fact – but rather naively than mature.
Lelum polelum, lack of will to fight or being overly hot are evidence of a lack of self-confidence. Lack of confidence in your opinion, which gives you the power and belief that what I want to convince is really important. If you identify these traits in yourself, it is worth setting a goal for yourself to settle in, be grounded and not be afraid to fight for yours – then this self-confidence will be more mature.
It results from the answer to the question: why is it really important to me and what is really important about it? The more we convince ourselves, the more leverage we will have. Peaceful self-confidence, resulting from the fact that we know what we say and that we show someone the world for which we are ready to fight, has a huge impact. Let’s get ready. Let us take the time to do this and not be afraid to focus on the things that are important to us – think more about them and actively seek justification for them.
How often do we have an idea and go to someone with the expectation that it will be heard, understood and accepted? It doesn’t have to be a very conscious expectation – we just don’t expect it to be otherwise. We do not expect resistance, dislike, counter-arguments or the usual “no, you know what, somehow not really”. This is how we bounce off the wall.
A child, partner, parent, employee, or boss does not immediately accept what we have to convey. We feel overwhelmed and frustrated, stress appears, and in our head we think: “how can he not understand it!” We expected it to go without a problem, our arguments would be easily accepted, and in the meantime – the wall. The demand and expectation from the world that people would listen to us and accept us remained unanswered. Or at least without what we expected.
As a result, we leave resigned and often angry. After all, if you didn’t do it right away, you won’t do it at all. A nasty feeling almost everyone knows. However, there is a way to avoid getting caught up in these sorts of situations.
How do you avoid falling into the trap of expectations?
That way is patience. It must be the starting point for us if we want to convince someone of something. Of course, it is not about procrastinating and letting another person make a decision endlessly (because then most often he will not make any). It is all about understanding that persuasion is a process and as such has stages.
More about the stages of persuasion and what the whole process is really about, I will be speaking in the Thursday webinar to which I invite you now. We also write about it extensively in the book together with the journalist Wojtek Maroszek, which will be officially sold in November, and next week you can expect the premiere and the possibility of ordering the first copies at a lower price. Stay tuned, this book is going to be something really big and important!
Coming back to the trap of expectations – in order not to fall into it, you have to remember that I am not going to a meeting now to sell something or to convince someone to an idea, but to understand what I will need for the next meeting to reach that person. So you need to change your goal and broaden your perspective a bit. Be ready for more than one meeting. Don’t expect an answer right away. Allow the man time to digest our proposal. Don’t squeeze it after the first few sentences. These are crucial issues if we do not want to fall into the trap of expectations, which is always stressful.
If all these points were met, man would have more courage to confront. But there is something that the competition itself is something unpleasant for someone – of course you can understand that it is because he is afraid of evaluation, criticism or failure and it can be the source, but people are often averse.
In order to convince someone of something, we have to confront that person. My version of the world meets her version of the world. My arguments with her arguments. My invitation to something new with her wanting it to stay the old way. My persuasion with its resistance.
So we’re talking about confrontation. And confrontation is something that many people have in the shadows – that is, they don’t accept, fear, or just don’t like it.
One of my clients, a director in a large company, has a strong diplomatic and mediation personality and wants to have good emotions and a good atmosphere in every situation. Any tensions, arguments or arguments are what stresses her – not least because she thinks that the relationship breaks down then.
This is the problem of vulnerable people and, in general, the problem of the anti-mobbing approach, which, on the one hand, protects the needs and privacy of people, and on the other, makes them oversensitive. It is difficult to talk to them seriously or a bit more sharply, because they take offense right away. Part of it is also a problem for the younger generation who want it to be fun and enjoyable, with sweat and tears being something they run away from. In such conditions – an anti-mobbing culture, which assumes that we must be super gentle in dealing with others, and a culture that “has to be fun and without straining” – there is no question of effective persuasion.
Because in persuading you must, of course, remember about kindness and take care of positive emotions, but also take into account the fact that it is a skirmish after all. Confrontation. Peaceful, but still. Someone may become uncomfortable and this is a normal part of the game.
People with a strong agreeableness trait are particularly sensitive to this discomfort – both as persuasive and persuasive (agreeableness or lack thereof is one of the elements of the “big five” personality traits of a person). Caring, gentle and reconcilable. Always willing to help and not fond of conflicts.
How to deal with fear of confrontation?
People who are naturally amicable will not change their personality within a few weeks, but they can change some framework and approach. In order to convince them better, they must develop a strong backbone of principles in a situation where they want to take care of themselves and the business, but at the same time maintain a relationship. The problem is falling into extreme thinking: we either avoid confrontation and then the relationship can survive, or we clash and this immediately leads to conflict and the breakdown of the relationship. Life, however, is not black and white. To realize this, it is worth asking yourself an integrating question: how can I persuade and set boundaries without compromising the relationship?
It is looking for such a choice of words not to offend, not to spoil the relationship, and at the same time to clearly present your opinion. Often times, people think that being assertive or setting limits means being rude – meanwhile, you have to frame it that it’s about sharing your values and creating rules that are relevant. What if others don’t like them? Well, there’s nothing wrong with that – as long as people maturely accept dissent, relationships won’t break up. The question is whether it would be worth maintaining a relationship in which one of the parties is so closed to someone else’s suggestions, values and opinions that he immediately reacts with anger and puts the relationship at stake.
By persuading others, we put ourselves to judgment. We have to reckon with the fact that when we go to the boss to convince him to raise for us, he will want to verify whether we really deserve it. When proposing an idea at the meeting, others will verify whether we have the appropriate experience and competences.
People shy away from judgment because they are afraid of verifying the facts – what they are good at and what they are bad at. The psyche strives to make a person feel good about himself, and the assessment is verification. As a result – it can lead to a deterioration of our image, in our own eyes and in the eyes of other people.
The fear of judgment arises on two occasions.
We don’t have in-depth self-reflection. We don’t think much about ourselves, we don’t have a clear opinion about our competences or our strengths and weaknesses. We are not prepared for anyone to start reflecting on us. When he says, “you are weak at this and that,” we have no way to defend ourselves. There are no arguments in my head, because we did not make the effort to reflect on ourselves and somehow respond to our features, emotions or competences. Then it is easier to accept what someone says about you as revealed truth. And that can hurt.
On the other hand – we may have this self-reflection, which, however, mainly comes down to asking ourselves unanswered questions. “Are you sure I am good at it, competent? How do people judge me? Because I do not know how they judge me, I do not know how to know if I am competent… ”. In this case, it may turn out that someone who judges us negatively sets our view of ourselves. We’ll get that answer, but it won’t be empowering at all. Or perhaps it will strengthen – but the negative belief that we already had about ourselves. We thought: “I’m good for nothing, I can’t do much, I’m too young, I’m not good at it” – and suddenly someone says, “You’re too young and you are not getting it”. Come on!
So there is something to fear. And this inhibits effective persuasion. With such concerns in mind, we will play carefully, not leaning out too much. The desire not to be judged will be stronger than the desire to persuade.
How to deal with fear of judgment and criticism?
Rating doesn’t have to be criticism, but criticism is always judgment. The main problem here is that we take this criticism personally and identify with it. We treat it as an oracle for the coming weeks and years. Among other things, because we are not immune to judgment (lack of self-reflection and well-established self-esteem), but also because we have not prepared a justification for our opinion and we do not really have a response to this criticism. Because if we had a retort and a counter-argument that the idea is hopeless or that we are immature, it would be easier for us. We would have more courage to talk about what is important to us.
It is never nice to hear criticism as it is a shot we get in the head, nevertheless we have to take every criticism and verify it. “Okay, if he thinks so, what’s the truth? Do I agree with that? Is it a fact, is it only partially a fact or not at all? ” If we were convinced of our competence, experience or idea, this criticism would be unpleasant only for a moment, and then it would not disturb our emotions.
Therefore, you need to come back to strengthening your faith in your world, in your arguments and beliefs, and constantly work on your self-esteem and self-esteem. Only this can save us from the stress of being judged and criticized.
We do not have this clout, because we are afraid at the back of our heads that when we convince someone to our idea, now it will be our responsibility to implement it. This is often the case in organizations: “oh great idea, okay, do it.”
This is one aspect of the fear of liability – that it will fall on us for what we have proposed and we do not want to bear it on ourselves.
The second and more common aspect of this fear is that my idea will not work, or will be bad or unfavorable, and will feel guilty as a result – because what I proposed or sold doesn’t work. This is also the source of the aforementioned lelum polelum and “I care, but I do not have the strength to break through”. When does someone have a concern called “What if this turns out to be weak?” If they believe me and I fail them? ”Then he will run away from responsibility. So, in practice, he will not be convinced of whether or not he should convince. He will be happy to talk about his idea to friends or somewhere in the backstage, so casually, but in the end he will not introduce it to those who need it. The fear of feeling guilty and disappointing someone else is highly limiting.
How to deal with the fear of liability?
Am I afraid that I will fail the trust and that I will feel guilty if my idea, idea or product is weak? When we admit our fears, either to ourselves or to someone we trust, then they may fade away or weaken significantly. “Call things by their spells and they’ll change in the blink of an eye.” It’s an emotion – when we name it, we create an opportunity for it to go away. It is worth saying to yourself: “although I am afraid, I take the risk that a wave of criticism may fall on me and that someone may feel disappointed.”
Another thing to do well is protect yourself. Say to others: “listen, I am convinced of this, I believe it because … (and arguments here), but I cannot give any guarantees. In my opinion, my proposal is the best possible, I believe it (assuring one’s own faith is important, it works for other people), but I cannot guarantee that it will work out. ” Saying out loud that we cannot give guarantees protects us in terms of business, image and relations. Of course, someone may then blame us or criticize us, but we always have this security: “hey, well, I believed it, I made a mistake, but I gave no guarantees.” The point is that some of the responsibility that we fear is transferred to the other person. Because ultimately he makes the decision – we only honestly inform you that we think it’s a good idea, but you never know if it will work for sure.
It is obvious for many people that they have to prepare before they start convincing, so they take notes or write arguments before the meeting. But what mistake do they often make? That they are more prepared for what they want to say, rather than what the conversation will actually be like. They set the agenda of what they want to discuss at the meeting, and do not specify their goal, what and when they want to achieve. Moreover, the arguments they prepare are persuasive for themselves – but they do not take into account whether they will certainly reach these people. Thus, we fall into the trap of expectations. How to prepare arguments for a specific person or group of people and how to avoid the 10 most common mistakes at a meeting – I will be speaking during a free webinar, this Thursday.
In addition to the substantive preparation, we have to take the trouble to look under the interlocutor’s dome. If we don’t understand his perspective, we’ll bounce off him. Empathy is therefore key, and I will also talk about how to better understand another person and meet them during the webinar . For now, as an anecdote, I will tell you how I myself showed a lack of understanding and therefore – I did not convince.
I have already mentioned that together with Wojtek Maroszek we are writing a book that will be available for sale in just over a month. It is always a hot period to end up on a project that lasted more than two years. There is often more to be done at the finish. In our cooperation, Wojtek is mainly responsible for writing, polishing and editing – I primarily provide the subject matter, from which he then sculpts a flowing text. At the end of the work on the book, I felt enthusiasm – because it is the end, because the premiere is about to take place, but it will be a work! But cool! And I wanted to share this enthusiasm, while suggesting recent changes to the almost finished text.
I started giving Wojtek new ideas, what else could be changed, how the book could still be improved, and I expected the same enthusiasm that was in me. And I did not take into account that he is beating in the field at that time – he finishes, edits, finishes everything and has a lot to do. I expected a positive response and implementation of changes, and got scolded not to throw in anything else and not expect enthusiasm, while he has the most on his mind right now. Of course, we finally got along and everything is OK, but I did not take the perspective of the other party into account and I bounced off the wall. By the way, this last sentence tells us a lot about the title of our book 🙂 Let me remind you that on the premiere days!
How to convince others and deal with any situation.
This on-line training is for you if:
- Your job is to contact a person, boss or client and you have to convince these people of your idea, idea, product.
- You want to learn what mistakes to avoid during conversations, so as not to lead to conflicts and quarrels
- You are interested in effective and proven methods of refuting unfounded allegations.
- You wish to be better prepared for meetings
You are guaranteed 100% merit for 60 minutes.
At 21: 00/21: 15 there will be the premiere of the Academy of Persuasion and Selling of Ideas and the Academy of the Leader with the premiere price for all live participants.
More detailed information and the option to save can be found > here
