A prayer laden with uncertainty

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Meditation on Wednesday, 2nd week of Advent, year B1

Jesus, I come to You weary and unsure of what is sin and what is guilt caused by other people. I believe You are refreshing me to make decisions according to what I recognize as truth, even when many others do not like it. The shared burden of rejection becomes light.

An examination of conscience. Recommended by many spiritual authorities as a daily task. Could there be anything more devastating? God is the Father. Father-Mother, as many say today. Jesus – beloved Brother and Friend, who gave his life for the truth, for saving each of us. Me, you – the child. Me, you – father, mother – maybe biologically, maybe spiritually .. Trust. As a parent, I cannot imagine asking my child to report daily what he did wrong. This is a complete mistake!

I trust my children. I have been observing them from birth and I can see their goodwill, a good heart for people and animals. I see them looking for their goals along different paths. More than once we talked and talked about what is important and what is good. Every day, somewhere deep on the edge of consciousness, I ask myself: “What am I going to do today, Lord?” The answers come with my morning thoughts. I will do something of it, the rest I will lack strength and enthusiasm. Necessary regeneration (?) For some tasks, there is still no time and opportunities, because there will be more urgent, more life and prosaic matters.

Former father’s authority. Yes, I have such a picture in me from some literary descriptions. Evening settlements of what worked and what did not. Discipline in the form of a rod or other tool. Times met with love (? !!!) Then adult age – I stand in for my father. Self-flagellation, sackcloth, contemplating one’s own sinfulness. God, this image of the father is still in me, in us! Have mercy on us that we are under the influence of such authorities! So much good is wasted because of this.

Thank you for giving me an earthly father who left me a lot of freedom in my life. He did not practice discipline. He trusted me because sometimes I overheard him talking about me with pride to people. He talked a lot about honesty, about brotherhood of people of different nations and religions.

God, I know that you are infinitely better and greater than all earthly fathers. You know me in every inch of body and soul. You have given me freedom and you trust me, even though you know how weak and imperfect I am.

Thank you for this trust. I feel safe with you and every morning I wonder what to do today.

I was once taught in my church that it is okay to go to confession at least once a month. Such an examination of conscience was presented so that there was always something to confess. Human physiological sexuality was interpreted as sinful by definition. Lots of infantile questions from various fields added.

God, you know, I regret that I confessed all this without any sense, in spite of myself, out of fear, “just in case” for years! One day you made me grow up and find that I was being manipulated by them, that my brothers and sisters were under them, that it was time to talk about it and do something about it.

Now I make an auditory confession less often. Then, as every day, I am asking You to heal me. I know you love me immeasurably. I know you know my illnesses and weaknesses. I entrust myself to you as to a father and to a doctor. Thank you for giving me the right medicines (life events!) And my job is to take them, which is LIVE, not to study the leaflet about the effects of the medicine.

Please, Jesus, reward for me those people who I cannot help, for whom I do not have the strength or time, for whom I did something stupid, although I wanted wisely. Your infinite love can heal their wounds. Speak to them so that they hear your voice, and they feel safe on the road full of difficulties.

Thank you for being with us. That, like a good Father, you talk to us about what to do, and not about our sinfulness, which you heal without words with a silent love.